Feelings of hopelessness...
“The choices we make dictate the life we lead”. - Bill Rago (Danny Devito) Renaissance Man
In April 2001, I became a mom, and I was over the moon with joy. The decision to be a Stay-at-Home mom was instant. The next few years would lead to being a caregiver to a parent, becoming a mom a second time to a beautiful daughter with Autism, and having a few part-time jobs here and there. I lost my mom in 2006.
In 2013, my husband and I pulled both kids out of public school to homeschool. It was the best choice for our family and we thought our children deserved a more rounded education than the school was providing. In March 2016 our world changed with my husband suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury, as well as sustaining multiple injuries to his right shoulder, elbow, and hip. Two years of Brain Therapy resulted in a medical retirement from his job and filing for Social Security Disability.
My husband can no longer work, which has resulted in me having to thrust myself out into the job market in my late 40s. I don't have this spectacular work history to represent my skillset. The knowledge that I have gained over the decades in computers and experience in administration is through determination and an enjoyment of learning on my own, but most employers do not consider this to be applicable. There is no college degree stating I am a graduate with honors. Age 50 is approaching rapidly and most prospective employers would consider me outdated and too close to retirement, but they will never admit it. Believe it or not, most are looking for fresh out of college, younger adults. I have applied for many positions that I know I am qualified to do, and continue to read rejection letter after rejection letter. Retail and fast food jobs will not provide the hours, nor will they be consistent in providing a living wage. I have the right to look for a job that is going to create the stability I seek for my family. I also have health concerns I have to take into account and being on my feet for hours has already shown that is not an option, as that is why I am no longer employed at Marshalls. I finally find someone willing to offer me a position ... contingent on THREE letters of reference from previous employers (four months plus employment) and I can only produce ONE. No. I will never regret my decision to become a Stay-at-Home mom vs. a working mother, but I don't want to feel punished for it. 😞 These last few years have resulted in feelings of hopelessness and despair. A state of constant depression mostly well hidden, but nonetheless there. So many nights I go to bed with silent tears, wondering how I will be able to continue to just get beat down. Then I think of my husband and my kids. My world.